I used to bemoan lack of social life in New York. But I now realise that it was more me, than New York who was responsible for my lack of one.
It took me only ten years to get the hang of it, and now my life is a social whirlpool.
I have learned
THE RULES.
Rule 1
Do not assume that the word 'friend' means the same in New York as it did wherever you came from. Example, the following dialogue did not make sense to me six years ago.
Barman: "Australia hey! I have a friend from Australia. I think she used to live in Perth".
Me: "Really, what's her name?"
Barman: "I've forgotten. Alicia? Linda? No, can't remember."
"Friend" means simply - "A person I have met".
Rule 2 Be inventive when you require company other than your own. A friend (see what I mean) of mine sometimes drops into AA (the alcoholics one) meetings on her way home from work when she feels like human interaction. She's not an alcoholic by any means, but the meetings give her a chance to have a non-business conversation and to hear about other peoples' lives. Sort of what friends are for.
Rule 3 Change your sexual preference (or pretend to) if you are hetro.
Gays seem to have a social life more like what we Australians have back home. They have parties, dinner parties and invite you to "drop in".
I used to hang out with a gay crowd. Here I am at the Gay Olympics in Yankee Stadium in the late nineties.
Rule 4 Put the idea of continuous contact (mono-friends) out of your mind. A friend is not someone you necessarily keep in touch with over a long period of time. NEVER phone a new acquaintance for a chat. He/she will think you are a nut case. Friendships are serial and typically have a short life-span, unless you met them when you went to college. Therefore by definition, all expats friends are of the serial variety. Accept it and get a life.
Rule 5 Learn to Cancel This will show that you understand and have learned New York etiquette. When you organise to meet in a coffee shop next week, make sure YOU cancel first. It is expected. And for god's sake, don't show up. Don't confirm by calling the night before either. Your friend will be highly put out as he/she will have forgotten all about it.
The more you cancel, the more friends you have. On a busy week you might cancel seven times. When you do this you know you have made it socially in the Apple. You are POPULAR.
Rule 6 Do not take invitations or declarations of friendship at face value. If someone say, invites you to Christmas dinner, or tells you that you are their good friend, take it in the spirit in which it is meant. Don't get me wrong, they
mean it - it is just a timing thing. An Australian would take the invite or declaration as applying into the future. To a New Yorker it applies to that New York minute only.
Rule 7 Talk to people in the street, at the bus stop, on the train. This is an important part of social interaction in New York. It MEANS something. You may not have engagements for dinner or coffee, but you WILL have conversations with strangers. These conversations can be about anything. They aren't like conversations with strangers in Melbourne or Sydney where you might make some comment about the weather when huddling in a bus shelter from the rain.
In New York you can discuss personal problems, relationship failures, politics or the meaning of life while you wait for the bus. This is a necessity. If you DON'T discuss important issues with strangers you will have to discuss them with yourself instead of watching TV at night.
Rule 8 Do not invite people over. They will think you are an axe murderer or worse. Play it cool.
Rule 9 DO make social arrangements with people you have just met by chance. Tonight I am meeting an 80 year old lady for dinner. I met her at the hairdressers. She hasn't cancelled yet. If she does I will be polite and understand completely.
Rule 9 Share the bill exactly 50-50 if you go out for dinner with a New Yorker. This includes the tax times 2 tip. Tax is 8.25 so you must pay EXACTLY 4.125% plus 50% of the bill (and call it a cheque).
Rule 10 Learn to enjoy your own company.
And now ... I will get ready to pick up Pam on Fifth Avenue. We'll paint the town red!
Kate Juliff
New York
July 2005
