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The Season of the Resolution

Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
Dylan Thomas 1937

Ah, but I was so much older then,
I'm younger than that now.
Bob Dylan 1964

Take your time, it won't be long now
Till you drag your feet to slow the circles down
Joni Mitchell 1966
A few days ago, I sent one of my favourite books to a good friend.

The book, Louise Alther's "Kinflicks" has been of my mind of late. I must be getting old.

And yes - I am, and so this week's "Letter" is about getting old.

New Years. A time of resolution. Perhaps, but not normally for me. I'm not a resolute kind of person. But certainly it is a time of reflection.

When one year turns to the next, it is a time to think back, not necessarily upon the last year, but on all the years before. And the older that you get, and the more years you survive, the more years there are to reflect upon. If you dare.

But back to "Kinflicks" and to why this particular book has been on my mind.

"Kinflicks" is the story, probably autobiographical, of a young woman, called Ginny. Ginny is a chameleon, as are, I am convinced many women. Whatever their race or creed, women are taught to go along with whatever society asks (read demands) of them.

This can be all very well in societies where there is one basic model, but what of western society, where there are so many different models upon which to base ourselves?

This world of "choices" is Ginny's world. She's flexible, eager to please. She also rebels at times. And this means that there are many models to "choose" from. And to accept.

Whatever environment that Ginny chances to come up against, she adapts to - with gusto. Each section of "Kinflicks" describes a different Ginny, as she adapts to the different lifestyles of her family and of her men.

The dutiful daughter, the intellectual, the wife, the hippie, the child of a dying mother. Whatever her role, Ginny embraces it - with energy, belief and absolute commitment.

There's a truly wonderful scene in "Kinflicks" where Ginny's mother is waking up in hospital. She senses that her daughter is sitting there at her bedside. She wonders what sort of person Ginny will be this time. The scholar, the mother, the hippie, the business woman ... what sort of person will she awake to see sitting there?

I can't remember what Ginny was that day. But whatever it was, it wasn't who Ginny actually was, because Ginny was whatever her own understanding what of the outside world expected of her. And Ginny's world was a world of Ginny's own choosing - at that particular time.

It strikes me that many women are like Ginny. They are chameleon-like - they can take on the persona, the aspirations, the morals, of their chosen environment of the time. And like Ginny they do it with gusto.

I liked Ginny. I am like Ginny. But sometimes I admire people (mostly they are men) who are so sure of themselves, of their own identity, that they actually know where they are going regardeless of their immediate surroundings.

Not for me that certainty. Unfortunately I can see good in a number of different ways of being, of different lifestyles.

I'd love to be a trial lawyer, a painter, a writer, an academic, a journalist. There's just so many paths one can take. But which one? By the time I've decided I'll be long past being capable of anything.

So THIS year, 2005, I've decided to settle down. A bit late in life but better late than never.

I come from a family of Peter Pans - people who never grew up. And I've decided to break the mold.

This year is the year of the new me. The settled and accepting me.

My New Year's resolution is to give up my ideas of being this or that ... no more being an understanding woman floating with the flotsam and jetsam of other people's ideas. This year will be the season of ME.

Now if I can just figure out what that me really is.

Kate Juliff
New York
January 2005