Friday April 10th '98

What should be simple things can become frustrating traumas in New York City. Last weekend for example, I thought I'd respond to an ad for tickets to a preview of Joanna Murray-Smith's new play, "Honour". We'd missed it when it was showing in Melbourne on our last trip, and so I was keen to see it, especially when I saw the ad which said there were cheap tickets to a preview session of the play which is now showing in Manhattan at the Belasco Theatre.

I phoned the number listed at the bottom of the ad in the New York Times. What followed was typical off many calls I've made in this city. I keep forgetting: the customer is always wrong. And so I frequently start off the call the wrong way and inquire "normally".

"How much for the tickets to the preview of the play, 'Honour'?, which is on at 3:00 p.m. today?" I asked. "What?" was the reply. And so started a ten minute battle with the phone ticketing person at the ticket agency. After I got him to understand what I wanted in general; i.e. tickets to the play, he said that tickets were available for the weekday sessions at 8:00. I then had the task of explaining I wanted tickets to the preview and that these were advertised in the New York Times for that very day. He repeated his spiel about the weekday sessions. I persevered. At last he admitted that a: there was a preview session, and b: that there were cheap tickets available.

I was getting somewhere. I became hopeful. Victory was in the air. This was going to be a New York success story! Could I purchase two, I asked. "The code", he stated. "What code?" I asked. And so round two commenced. The man requested that I read the entire ad out loud. I did. He then said that the code was somewhere in the ad. I said I couldn't see it there. Suddenly, without telling me what he was about to do, without offering any explanation, he put me on hold.

I listened to the music for a while and eventually a woman came on the line. "What do you want?" she asked. And so it all started again. Back to GO. This time I didn't have to read the advertisement out loud, but I was again asked for the code. "It isn't there", I said. "It is", she replied. "I can't see it", I said. "Look for it", she answered. And so on. Eventually she said, "no code no tickets", and that was that. She also said that I was just like a lot of other people, and that numerous people had claimed there was no code. I tried to tell her that maybe all the other people, and myself, were right, and that could she possibly concede that there was no code printed in the New York Times ad. She said that it didn't matter anyway, as she would not sell tickets without the code.

It's little things like that, that make New York such a fun place, I suppose. Needless to say, we did not get to see, "Honour". Instead we saw the new David Mamet film, "The Spanish Prisoner". It is an excellent film, and I highly recommend it. And you don't need a code to get in!

38% of NYC men are like Cary Grant? I don't THINK so!

Following the sell-out edition of "New York" magazine, two weeks ago, "Time Out" has come up with it's own survey of the sexual habits of New Yorkers.

Self-promotion is a big thing here. So I should not have been surprised to learn that 22% of the women surveyed thought that they were most like Cindy Crawford. Actually, Elaine Benes topped the scale. 47% of the women believed they were most like her. And a surprising 15% thought they were like Hilary Clinton. Only 9% were self-effacing and named Miss Piggy as their alike person.

I was absolutely stunned to see the figures on the male self-image. 38% answered that they were most like Cary Grant! Others thought they were like Antonio Banderas (30%), George Costanza (12%) and Axl Rose (3%)

The respondents who had attended dating classes, listed their names. 30% had been to a course called "How to Attract Anyone, Any Time, any Place", while 20% had attended "Guerrilla Dating Tactics". And there were numerous other interesting results. 16% had had sex with an intern, 11% said that they were virgins, and 64% thought that "size matters". This last was illustrated by a large photo of a cucumber.

65% of those surveyed by "Time Out" classed themselves as single. Not surprising, considering the pick-up lines they were quoted as using. These fell into two groups. There were extremely mundane and off-putting such as, "What's your favourite animal?" and "You remind me of my mom?". And then there were the very Cary Grantish sophisticates who used lines like, "I want to f*** you like an animal", and "Wanna go for a pizza and a f***?"

What's in the News

Top stories in the news this past week have included the announcement of the new anti-impotency drug Viagra by Pfizer, and Internal Revenue's reports about the extremely large number of rich people who don't pay social security for their child-minders. It's a little old fashioned here. Child-minders are called "nannies", and home-help workers are known as "maids". Political correctness and sensitivity has not yet entered into the language for those at the bottom end of the economic scale.

The new anti-impotency drug is receiving press almost daily and people are muttering that they wished they had bought Pfizer stock.

This is truly the city of the almighty dollar.

And for Australians in NYC...

The Pies have come! We now have an Australian Rules team in New York. I'll be interviewing members of the team for this column later in the month. Meanwhile, if you are interested in playing or watching, please check out the details on our events page.

Your Questions and Comments

Tamarinde, an Australian living in New York emailed: (on the subject of credit cards) My situation  may be similar to what Guy is experiencing. I now have a credit card but it took great work.  I have two suggestions that may be of help. Many banks now offer debit cards that offer no credit but at least allow you to join the rest of the world in renting cars and buying concert or movie tickets over the phone.
Secondly, if you have a friend with an established American Express record they are allowed to sign you  up for a second card, regardless of your record. This of course relies upon a strong and trustworthy friendship but within a few months of paying your portion of the bill on time you will have established a credit record.  Good Luck!!
Kate, I enjoy your column each week and I hope that you are planning to head out to the gardens over the next couple of weeks to see the cherry blossoms and bulbs.  Enjoy your Easter.
Thanks for the advice  Tamarinde. I think however that it is not a matter here of not having any international credit rating. I believe that the banks only look at the local (US) rating and that is why it is difficult for people to get cards here. It is especially frustrating when you have a good credit rating back home, but because no check is done, no credit is offered.
The debit cards are handy though for making web or phone purchases.
I hope to enjoy Easter, though I am nostalgic for a real Melbourne Easter - gloomy days and five days off work!

Jan, an Australian living in New York wrote: Like many expats and others, I read your column weekly at the Australians Abroad website.  And, for the most part, I do enjoy the site. [However] .......will you every write anything positive about New York or the U.S.?  I find most of your writings condescending and, frankly, as an Australian, I'm a little embarrassed at times.  Certainly, there are many negatives and pecularities about New York but if you find it so distasteful, why stay? Some time ago, I had posted a similar concern on the Australians Abroad message center....and, if my memory is correct, I believe you responded.  Whether we are here as permanent residents or visitors, we need to be mindful of our host country and its citizens. I can imagine the hue and cry if an American wrote similar articles about life in Australia.
Thanks for your email  and I'm glad you enjoy the site for the most part.
As to your comments: I've always supported the right of immigrants and long term permanent residents to comment/criticize as they saw fit. I welcomed comments about Australia when I lived there, whether they were positive or negative. I've never been one to respond, "if you dont like it, dont stay", as we usually cannot presume a person's reasons for staying. I think the more open to comment a city/town or country is, the better.
Re your comment about a hue and cry if an American criticised Australia - they do it often. As is their right. I think it is the residents of a city or country who have the right to comment, regardless of their place of birth. If you'd like to write something positive about New York City or America in general, please feel free to submit a contribution to our "guest" column.